When you need to talk to someone, one person in particular, but the problem is about them and they are nearly 2,000 miles away.
This has been one of the hardest, most heartbreaking weeks for me. I have gone through feeling torn, happy, depressed, sad, content, let down, neglected, and excited all within the past few days.
Torn because maybe I do deserve to be the one and only person. Happy because I know I am loved and cared for. Depressed because I see how happy you look in the pictures, what people comment to you, and what you comment back to them. Sad because your family will never know, your friends or her may never know, and because I will never have what she has. Content because I know you are what I want, you make me feel so happy and loved, I know once this next week is over with things will go back to normal, so why I am so worried? Let down because I thought we would have had the chance to talk more. Neglected because I feel as if I do not exist to you while you are on this trip, even though you called me the night before. Excited because we will be going on our own trip in a month, but why I am having mixed feelings? When for the past two months all I have wanted is to go on this trip up north with you, just us two. Now I feel like I need to guard myself again.
I wonder what life would be like if I never met you. I wonder if I had been born and raised where you were, what if we met then instead? What if I moved closer to you? What if I just cut off all ties to you, would you be upset? Would you even care? All these things I wonder and wish I could ask you. Although, I know what you would say. You would tell me I am worrying too much and that you love me, that just because of what happened Saturday, nothing is any different now. How can I help that though?
I hate seeing your profile picture. It reminds me of what I will never have, what I want, and the happiness I will never be able to share with you…because she knows the feeling of love that I will never be able to know. And that is what kills me inside.